Drowning before even leaving land?

Posted in: Breaking Free on Monday, September 26th, 2011

The house is a mess. Our lives are a mess.  Every time I touch something it seems to multiply.  There suddenly seems so much more to sort.  So much more to decide upon.  To say I feel like i’m ‘treading water’ would be an understatement.  It feels more like struggling in quicksand, the more you struggle, or in my case clean and sort, the further down you invariably sink.  I’ve plumbed the depths of over a decade of two accumulated lives (well still in the process), there seems no end to the junk I’ve stored for some reason or another over the years.

I move it here. I move it there.  I don’t think i’ll feel happy until it finally moves elsewhere.  The garage sale is not far off and in my overwhelmed moments I worry I’ve made it too soon.  But i can’t give those thoughts reign for too long,. They’re immobilising and unproductive.  I just keep ploughing on and telling myself that every little bit gets me closer and if i just keep going all will be well.  Whether that be hopeless optimism or delusion, who can say.

Lists (and Ben) are the only thing close to keeping me sane and on track.  Ben has suggested I make lists purely for the enjoyment of crossing items off.  And he is right (there you go darling, in print for the world to see ) He prefers listing large tasks where i favour listing the minute and numerous.  I don’t deny I enjoy the feeling of crossing items off my list. But it’s more than that.  Making a list and crossing items off it helps keep my mind sorted. Helps me feel like i’m progressing through the mire of all that is to be done.  So I make my lists and a path through the mire becomes clearer.

I cross items off my list and as is the nature of things there is always more to add.  A list is a fluid thing. It grows and changes and never really shrinks.  It is a map of past and future intentions, sometimes reminding me of all that i didn’t get done.  But that is okay.  It is still on the list for tomorrow.