A no show

Posted in: Baby on Thursday, March 3rd, 2016

It might be worth tuning out now blokes, this pregnancy stuff is about to get real.

Today I lost my show.

For those of you who don’t know the ‘show’ is it’s the mucus plug that blocks the cervix. I won’t go into any further detail. If you’re pregnant now or have been before no doubt you’ll know all about what it looks like, it’s colour variations and how much you can expect to see. Or if you’re planning to start a family down the track i’ll leave some of the beautiful feminine mystery for you to find out yourself. Or Google it and continue to be amazed by the female body’s journey through pregnancy.

Generally you lose your show just before labour is due to start, or it can be an early warning sign that things are ramping up for the big day. I lost mine this morning.

As I hurried back to the boat I just barely kept ahead of a giant crashing wave of anxiety, I’m not ready, i’m not ready, i’m not ready. Then rather logically, i’m not ready therefore i’m not in labour. Holy shit I’m. NOT. READY!. My game face completely crumpled.  Back on board and i’m on the phone to Ben who had just got on a train to work “i’ve lost my show, can you remember what they said at class? Am I going into labour?” queue the hormonal pregnant lady hysteria “i’m not readyyyyyy”  As usual he talked me back from the cliff where crazy people live and we decided I’d call my doctors after they open and find out what I should do from here.

Like any pregnant lady who might or might not be about to go into labour I decide to do the dishes and tidy the galley. Can’t have a messy kitchen. So I clean with one eye on what i’m doing, and the other on the clock. Somehow I’m managing to see what i’m doing through the tears that I have no idea why i’m crying. 8am rolls around but it turns out my doctors don’t open until 8.30am.  Knowing that another 1/2 hour will definitely push my sanity I decide to call my hospital (who will be delivering me) and speak to the midwife there. After lots of questions regarding my show and my pregnancy they asked me how her movements had been this morning and It dawned on me that i’d felt hardly any. “Okay then Sarah, we’ll get you to make your way in and we’ll pop you on the monitor just to make sure you’re both okay”.


Monitoring her heart rate and my uterine contractions

Monitoring her heart rate and my uterine contractions

So I sit on the machine for an hour during which my capricious girl decides that now I’ve come all the way into the hospital she’ll start doing her morning rumba practice. The Doctor and Midwife were certainly pleased to see her so active but it did make it harder to determine her baseline heart rate, so I spent some more time being monitored. During that time I had three tightenings, or what are known as braxton hicks contractions and some pretty sharp pains at my cervix.  All very normal and it was decided that I wasn’t yet in labour, and may not be for a while yet, or it could all kick off in a few hours. There’s just no way of knowing for sure. So they sent me back home to rest. I lost more of my show later in the afternoon. And I am trying to rest. But honestly, the floor really needed to be vacuumed and there’s the fact i’m feeling very emotional and my brain is not shutting down.

All I keep thinking is that I’ve read the books, I’ve worked on my head space and my mindfulness, I’ve watched the shows. I thought I had my shit together. That when the time came I’d be this calm, well informed birthing Goddess completely confident in myself and my body, a tower of Queenly strength. But I wobbled massively.  I’ve realised how easy it is to feel empowered and confident when the big day is still in the mystical future realm of a ‘few weeks time’. That magic realm in which pain, panic and fear don’t exist and you’ll be the shining vision of everything you want to be and things go to plan and everyone is smiley and happy. Oh and there’s rivers of chocolate and unicorns crap rainbows!

It’s completely different when you wake up to a relatively normal day and with no warning it turns into one that could end up changing your life forever.

Thankfully it would seem I have a bit more time yet. Although If today has taught me anything it’s that there’ll never be enough time and you can never really be ready.